GIFT # 2 What to do when you fall?

So I've been working on a sort of self-improvement project for the last 3 months as an assignment for grad school. One of things I have been looking to change is my negative self-talk. It has been mentioned to me that while I'm very kind to people around me, I am brutal with myself. I do not allow myself to fail and when I make a mistake, I take it very personally and beat myself up enough to atone for the error, no matter how big or small the error.

I have to say that I've been making good progress, especially in the last month and a bit, consistently reframing things I say to myself as I remember to treat myself the way I would my best friend or my most vulnerable student. Gone were self-deprecating words. Gone was the need to know "the best" answer to any question. I had even built up courage to enter ambiguous situations where I am not 100% of what to do or what to say. Yay, me!

Today however, I discovered that my inner demons were not really gone. They had simply been padlocked to a room in my brain. A situation arose where I was exercising courage in ambiguity and I took a big tumble. It jolted the lock and those old voices somehow found their vocal cords and I heard them. What a nightmare in the middle of the day! Ugh.

Here's the good news. I've grown and changed enough over the last months to realize that transformative change does not occur in mere months. After all, I took a lifetime to develop these destructive mental models. To expect a total change in 3 months is ludicrous and fanciful. So, I'm reaching for a Japanese proverb tonight as I record this episode for posterity. The Japanese say, "Nana korobi ya oki” which translated means ‘Fall down seven times, get up eight’. I fell down today. I will get up again. I won't give up learning to love myself as much as I love my neighbour. I am worth it.

And while I'm getting up, I will keep working on adjust this mindset of mine which was wonderfully captured by the amazing and talented Nick Seluk of The Awkward Yeti. The following rendition of Brain and Heart was simply perfect for what I'm still fighting today. May I be victorious at the end of my journey.