TILT #38 - Live your life anyway...

I have often said to my students to live their lives in such a way that when anybody says something bad about them, nobody would believe it. That's one of my own life mottos as well.

In recent years, however, several incidences have occurred where my motives and integrity were still questioned and I wonder if I have to add to the advice to my students, just so they are aware this life motto does not guarantee peaceful living.

I looked for the common thread among the incidences that were troublesome and there seems to be one main link: how others treat me is not a reflection of who I am, but a reflection of who they are.

For people who do not know me well, I cannot control what they might think of my actions and words. They have no history with me. They only have a history with the words/ phrases I might say or actions that I take. Their reaction to me would be based on their past experiences with those words or actions. Take the following example:

I was trying to be helpful to sort out a misunderstanding with administrators to ensure a new colleague would not be left of communication from the department when it was clear the colleague was not receiving communiqués. In my efforts to bridge the gap, unbeknownst to me, the administrators had to ask a few questions to that colleague, while basic in their nature, triggered a feeling of an invasion of privacy for that colleague. This resulted in a frosty first meeting in person with that new colleague and the frost and brusqueness continued for the next short while. I only discovered some weeks later, after my colleague had an epiphanic experience of self-awareness, the reason she was cold towards me. I wasn't the problem after all. It was her relationship to the helping action I attempted that drove a wedge into our fledgling association, causing me more than a pinch of pain. It was also interesting to note that my pattern of being helpful before we formally met, in all our communications was not noticed by her.

Another time, a colleague I had worked with for over a decade got upset that a group of people wanted to surprise me with a sizeable monetary gift as a token of thanks for my contribution to their lives for the past few years. It was meant to be a group gift that I could use towards purchasing an air ticket to participate in a service-learning trip in the Amazon to help build a portion of a school compound for an indigenous community. Somehow, the pure intentions of the small group got twisted into a story about me soliciting money from my clients for my personal trip. I discovered the surprise gift plans when my boss confronted me about this solicitation claim. Beyond being baffled in my mind how this story got so screwed up was my heart getting broken, seeing that 10 years of intentionally pouring generosity and collaboration into the working relationship with my colleague could not stop the tsunami of misperception, mistrust, mis-(fill in the blank whatever comes to mind) that overcame her. Thankfully, my boss had witnessed and felt the same display of honesty and virtue my clients had appreciated and did not question my integrity, she only wanted to figure out how the story became so twisted.

There are other smaller examples of where I have only done what my book of faith and upbringing tells me to do, which is to treat others the way I want to be treated, with those actions being looked upon with much distrust. It is most ironic when the lack of trust, i.e. cynicism comes from people who talk about the importance of suspending judgment.

At the end of the day, I cannot do much about how others spin their narratives about me. I can, however, keep writing my own story and be accountable for adjusting my words and actions when necessary so that I continue to be a blessing instead of a curse to the people whose paths I cross.

The following words resonate with me. They are often attributed to Mother Teresa but are actually adapted from Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M. Keith:

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, People may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, They may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

I will keep aspiring to live in such a way that when somebody says something bad about me, nobody will believe it. And if I am ever absent in those places of challenge, then may those who know me well feel the nudge to speak up in my defense, or take me aside and speak some loving truth to me.