TILT #39 - Don't look back, that's not where you're going...

It has been an emotional week. The career crossroads I sensed would be coming later this spring has arrived earlier than expected. Ouf and ouch. What do I do now?

The temptation to run away from making a life-changing decision is great. The allure of sticking with the status quo is equally strong. The push to live out what I have been learning these 18+ months at grad school complicates yet balances my three-directional pull.

When hashing out my crossroads with a coach, he reflected back to me what I said when he asked how I would feel returning to the status quo, to a job that I am very good at, a position that answers my desire to make a difference as well as provide a consistent paycheck, albeit a small one. I'm currently on a one-year leave of absence and I answered his question this way, "When I think about returning to work, I feel peacefully accepting, with a bit of happiness."

Wow.

Now that I re-read what I said, it sounds bland and meh, doesn't it? It sure sounded bland and meh when my coach reflected that back to me.

What surfaced next in my attempt to answer my coach's question was the vision board I had created for my very first grad school assignment. Back in the summer of 2019, we were asked to envision our lives five years from the start of graduate school. I started listing to my coach, the items on my vision board, of where I saw myself in 2024. What came over me was the undeniable realization that I would not achieve a single thing on my vision board if I returned to where I used to be. Not one. Partly because when I commit to something, I'm all in. I would not have any time or energy to explore new possibilities for the future if I was full-on giving all of me to my old-slash-current job.

Where does this realization leave me?

I am scared bleepless. I know what I have to do but just like Kylo Ren, I do not know if I have the strength to do it. Here is where this blog is already serving one of its purposes. It is a recording, repository of all that I am learning on my journey, right? So, I have been re-reading what I have shared all this time.

I am going to say what I mean and mean what I say.

Those eagle wings are coming out. I will face the fear of the unknown. That first assignment of creating a vision board was not just a head-knowledge paper to write. I immersed myself in birthing that vision. I bought the books to read, I took walks to clear my mind, I made time to sit and listen. Sometimes to nothing. Sometimes to a circus in my head. Heck, I even wrote journal entries using my non-dominant hand where my ego took a back seat allowing my inner child to appear.

As sure as spring comes after a winter of cold, snow, and dormancy, I know something new is about to be born. My tears feel like the rain which washes away old dirt yet nourishes the ground that has been tilled for many years for such a time as this. I look upwards with hope at the extended light and warmth the sun brings.

Interestingly enough, I am writing this on Easter weekend. As someone who accepts Easter for the Christian representation, i.e. the death and resurrection of Jesus, this feels to me like the death of my old self and the birth of a new me.

If I should take a wrong turn and fail, I will exercise the option of adjusting my sails and re-setting my direction. My vision is a living document and I can shape it as it needs to be shaped.