TILT # 19 - Stop hustling

Some months ago, an authority figure in my life said this to me as we closed a conversation about my desire to learn how to switch from my roundabout way of speaking to communicating with laser language. "It seems that self-disclosure is important to you," she said. I asked her to clarify but she would not, stating she would "leave it with" me. Dang! Was that good or was that bad, this self-disclosure business?

I looked for what "self-disclosure" meant after that exchange. Various psychology-related sites refer to it as sharing information about yourself that is not readily known to the people with whom you communicate. There seems to be varying degrees of self-disclosure from safe to oh-stop-talking-already! In the months that followed, I observed myself when in community with others. I got the impression that I overshare when I speak and I wondered why.

Recently, I started a new course and in meeting with the new teachers, there was a short introduction to everybody in the meeting. I was one of the first people to go and having learned from oversharing, I kept the my self-introduction short and simple. By the time the last person spoke, I was awestruck by the greatness that surrounded me, just agog at the amazing CVs I heard. And once again, I wondered about my place of belonging. Being "just" an elementary school teacher sounded so "meh". I felt the familiar tugs of my old self, the insecure, scarcity mindset me whispering ugly nothings in both my ears.

This journey of transformation and being at peace and comfort with one's real self takes quite a while. Some days, I feel like I've run several laps around the block. Other days, I'm limping.

Badly.

Today, as I write this, I realize I am still hustling for my worthiness, something I read in Brené Brown's book, Daring Greatly. That I identified my job as a teacher to young children as "meh" tells me I still struggle with my sense of worth. Why am I still wishing I was more like everybody else? And why do I hold everybody else in higher esteem than myself? Still. After months of learning self-compassion...

On one hand, it sucks that I have not completely broken free of the shackles of the past, of my old ways of thinking. On the other hand, it rocks that I am aware of triggers that cause me to backslide. I can then intentionally choose what to address in this moment of awareness.

Stop with the hustling, beloved. You were created for a you-shaped mission. No one else fits in the puzzle the way you do. Chin up. You are more than enough.

Photo taken at Bruce Peninsula National Park in Tobermory, Ontario