TILT # 20 - Face fear

When I first saw this photo on the internet, I loved it. 😊

I loved the message attached to the picture. LOVED! It didn't matter to me those two animals would not meet in a natural setting. I did not lose sight of the MESSAGE of the photo.

The last few months with my self-directed learning project, I've been exercising the muscle to do something brave regularly. Originally, my alliterative TILT title was "Fight Fear" but I do not necessarily believe I have to fight fear to have a victorious life. I can flee fear but fear will always be there if I simply flee. The lesson I have learned is that whether my instinct is to fight or flee, what is absolutely necessary is that I face my fear.

In pausing to look at fear in the face, I stop myself from simply reacting without thought. I take time to reflect on why I am fearful and what I am fearful about. This then has given me a chance to surface and address some of my big assumptions about life, some of which are downright lies while others play out as "competing commitments" that get in the way of my success. You can read about "competing commitments" in Robert Kegan & Lisa Lahey's 2009 book, Immunity to Change: How to Overcome It and Unlock the Potential in Yourself and Your Organization.

Brené Brown in her book, Daring Greatly, says, "We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can't have both. Not at the same time." This has been true for me. Ugh. Every time I chose to be courageous and speak up in a difficult situation in the last five months, especially when I had a divergent opinion, I spoke with a tremble in my voice with my eyes often downcast, I was too uncomfortable and yes, scared, damn it, to look at anybody in the eye.

While I have not vanquished all my fears, I am getting more and more comfortable sitting with my friend, (or is it foe?) Mr. Fear. Overcoming my fears add to my hopes for myself and my future. There is power in hope, as mentioned by this former Navy Seal whom I admire greatly for his famous "Make Your Bed" speech. Here is Admiral William H. McRaven's take on fear and hope: https://youtu.be/YYDjJsWP1Cw

So, for this blog post, I want to celebrate several "brave" things I have done at graduate school, this short list having to do with my writing assignments:

a. Write an academic paper not based on a pursuit of grades but based on sharing my learning. This first paper was so freeing because my joy and zest for learning was no longer confined to a letter in the alphabet. And my sense of worth was not shackled to what my professor chose to assign as a grade to the paper. My ultimate goal became: did I learn something to add to my new professional identity and did I communicate my learning well? I have since gone on to prioritize learning over grades for all my personal papers and the results have been overwhelmingly positive.

b. Include in an academic paper my disagreement with the author of our textbook, a book which I know my professor loved. Gulp. I could not shake this desire to speak my truth but oh my goodness, I'm being graded on this, whatever should I do? I took my advice to my own students and defended my position with what I thought were strong supporting details. I must have made really good sense because whaddayaknow, I got an awesome grade on that paper.

c. On another assignment, I included many references to pop culture, perhaps too many. I rewrote parts of the Gilligan Island's theme song and I referred to a good dozen Disney movies in my final research paper for one course. Despite the requirements that our papers adhere to strict APA (American Psychological Association) style, I took the liberty of answering one particular guiding question very literally. The question had to do with the kind of manual I might write for a person like me. WELL, since you asked, for "a person like me", I would communicate this way, "....yadda yadda yadda Disney yadda yadda yadday Disney etc. etc. etc." LOL. I do not know if I gave my professor a migraine headache with my informality but I do hope I gave her a smile. She did not fail me, thanks to some extra Covid-19 graces, I am sure. If she's reading this entry, I hope she is smiling. 😊 She might now rewrite parts of the assignment for future students so they don't take the whole nine yards the way I did.

d. And just today, I sat down to begin another intensive course with some fear and trepidation because despite my best efforts, some of the concepts of the pre-readings and lectures were beyond my scope of understanding. I've been waving my finger at the What-If-slash-scarcity-based voice for the last two weeks as I prepared for this course while juggling my day job and today, I did not wave my finger, I told the voice to STFU and flicked the source off my shoulder. Freaking dead weight. Tired of carrying it. I guess I'm making peace with not knowing everything. Nathaniel Branden in his book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem noted that not everybody needs to be fully competent in every area at all times. Amen to that!

So, tomorrow is another day filled with unknowns and therefore fears. I will enter it with a powerful asset: ME! After all, Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters said, "No one is you and that is your power." 😊