TILT # 11 - An overused strength is a weakness

This was a new concept to me, that a strength, when overused, could be a weakness. I never thought that could be true but I am being awakened to how much this is true in my life. Being Asian firstborn, growing up in church and then beginning a teaching career during the philosophy of "leave no child behind" moulded me into somebody who is constantly watching out for the well-being of others. I was conditioned to think this should be my default self. Put others above myself. Always.

Recently, I've been discovering that stepping in to give, so that others do not have to, is not always the right or best thing to do. It could be giving of time, solutions, effort, etc. A good example today was realizing I was late in returning 9 DVDs to the local library, incurring a fine of $3 each.

I had borrowed the DVDs for my team to choose from, for end of the year movie-watching treats for students as we wound down our time together before the Christmas break. I chose to borrow from the public library so that the school did not have to buy DVDs for the department. Save the school some money, y'know? There were others in my department who had access to local libraries but I have always offered to take care of things. I know how troublesome it can be to add one more thing to our to-do list and I did not want them troubled.

This year, for some inexplicable reason, I did not receive an email reminder to return my DVDs and with the busy-ness of my life, I had my dates mixed up and did not check my library account until it was too late. This was my biggest fine ever from the library and with the money I spent out of pocket, I could have bought 5 DVDs for school. Sadly, thanks to my, "I can handle it for everybody" mentality, my school has no new DVDs and I missed out on spending that money on a simple outing to our favourite dessert place with my own family.

I was brought up to believe I have to be all things to all people, at all times. I can hear the voice of one of my professors asking, "And how is that serving you now?" Honestly, it's giving me squat. Nada. Zilch. Goose egg. Other than wasting my own money, I may have offended my colleagues by not letting them share department responsibilities, having made the choice for them. All this for what? Fulfill a life philosophy somebody else told me I should have?

I need to peel off decades of conditioning (some of it cultural). With each mistake I uncover, whether it's an error against myself or against others in my circle, may I demonstrate compassion to myself. Some of my mistakes can be adjusted easily. Some others will take time. Others still, mean a loss forever.

I cannot change the past. I can affect the future with what I am learning in the present. I will be mindful of my strengths and leverage them differently than I used to. As my pendulum swings, may I remember to pat myself on the back for being opened to learning and changing. And Lord, may I not cause too much damage (especially to my own spirit) as I find my way to my centre.

PS - that $27 fine still hurts even as I record this lesson for posterity.