TILT # 14 - I'm quitting!

Yep. I'm retiring, vacating, dropping out, relinquishing, withdrawing... from this incessant need to have everything perfectly set up at the perfect time for the perfect life...and to a much smaller degree, a perfect blogpost. Bah.

Life has been excruciatingly busy. This studying full time while working part time while being a mom to kids who still need me is not a model I will propose to those coming after me. Balls that I'm juggling will not stay in the air, I cannot catch them all quickly and skillfully enough to keep them in play. A few have fallen. At least one was made of glass and it has shattered. I cannot put it back together again. Another was of rubber. It bounced in an unexpected direction. I don't know where it is. I hope it is not lost forever. There are more balls... I do not have the energy to describe them all. You get the point.

So many external forces, lots that I have no power to change. Swirling just as intensely in me are the loud voices from old mental models that I am trying hard to dump, or reframe. Recent readings for grad school have reaffirmed how important one's internal health is if one is to be useful in making a difference or in grad-school-speak, be a "change agent". So, I am focusing on putting energy into what I can control, i.e. how I build up my internal health. A photo from a Facebook group called "Lift A Sister Up" spoke volumes to me and I share it here. This is what I am working on quitting this year although truth be told, I started a whole bunch of these at least five years ago... I guess I'm making a renewed commitment today to keep "quitting".

Beloved, I do not know when you will read this blogpost. I will trust that when you do, there is a message in here that speaks to you deeply that will encourage you.

PS - it is interesting that this is blogpost 14. In the Cantonese language, the number 14 sounds like the words, "certain death". This is why in some countries, there is no 14th floor in a highrise. For me, it is a subconscious reminder that if I do not change my old mental models, that will spell "certain death" to my identity and spirit. So, I am reframing this. I am putting to "certain death" the mental models that hurt me and bind me. I choose life-giving attitudes and perspectives instead.