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TILT # 8 - Who do you think you are?

  • Dreamer
  • Dec 14, 2019
  • 4 min read

Updated: Dec 14, 2019

Over the course of my life, I've experienced moments where people have treated me with disdain, disrespect or dislike. Such behaviour include brushing briskly past me without a single greeting (even if we are in the same class or office, yes, a simple "Hello" would be courteous), ignoring what I say in a team meeting but lapping up what the rest of the team is saying (even if I am offering additional support to what has been said) or outright refusing to look me in the eye or refusing to respond to a question I ask of them.


Such occasions make me wonder if I have spinach in my teeth when I speak, if I use hurtful or rude language when I communicate or if I look like I deserve less than plain common courtesy. I often do check my teeth before I get into class or work (a blog post to come soon on a time when I didn't ...dang it). I am conscious of using words to communicate and I was not brought up in an environment where swearing was tolerated or encouraged. And despite systemic racism in my birth country, my parents and grandparents only taught me to see people as equal and deserving of respect and they taught me this by their examples of how they lived their lives.


You would think that as I conduct myself with mindful intentions to be understanding and respectful while communicating with words that are appropriate in a school or business setting, I would be easily appreciated, right? Or at least have nobody disliking me? Hmm... nope. While I can control what I do or say, I cannot control how people respond to me.


I remember at university, somebody taking a dislike to me because she thought I was judgmental. What the hay??!! She somehow believed that just because I did not smoke, that I judged her for for smoking. Weird because I never ever said anything about smoking. I simply did not join the small group that went out for smoke breaks. It took almost two years for that shield of ice to start thawing as multiple requirements to be in the same work group for school gave us an opportunity to talk a little beyond school. It was in one of those small conversations that I shared about living below the poverty line in this city and how I had to make painful yet simple choices about how I spent my money, what little I had of it, that our relationship began to turn around. Whether I drank from the water fountain or bought a bottle of juice from the cafeteria at lunch could determine the size of my supper later that evening.


Okay. Maybe NOT that dramatic but I think you get what I mean. Every small decision affects the big picture. Coffees and donuts at Tim Horton's were a luxury. A bag of chips from the corner store was a luxury. A bus or metro ticket was a luxury (I walked everywhere). And yes, cigarettes were a luxury. I didn't smoke because I had no money for it. Today, I still don't smoke because I'm not a fan of the smell of tobacco and yep, I've seen what lungs of smokers look like and yes, I'd rather spend my money on something that makes me happy. Do I judge you for smoking? Heck, no. If you insist on believing the lie that I judge you for smoking because maybe somebody in your life did so before you met me, then, that's you choosing to project what you want to believe of me, on me. It still does not make me what or who you think I am. I am who I am.


My classmate was unusually silent for a few minutes after I talked about my definition of "luxury". She disclosed she didn't like me because she thought I was judgmental about her smoking. I was silent for a few minutes as well. I asked if she still believed I was judging her for smoking. She shook her head. We decided to start from scratch and introduced ourselves to each other. Intentionally taking time to listen this time. The final two years of the program passed by relatively peacefully between us. You might expect me to say we became the best of friends after this exchange. Umm... nope. Life is not a fairy tale. Life is messy. Life is filled with unexpected, unplanned pit stops.


Now looking back, I wish I had been more courageous to check in with my classmate about the vibes I was feeling from her earlier in our journey together. Perhaps it could have saved us almost two years of treating each other with disdain or walking around confused, wondering about our self-worth. Or perhaps not. Sometimes, no matter what you try to make things better, certain things need time. Time to simmer, to ponder, to unravel. Sometimes, we do not have the capacity it takes to address the issue at hand. And sometimes, that capacity takes years and years to build. It means we do not always get what we want despite the noblest of intentions. It means there is more to come. When you stumble, and we all do, don't give up. Get up.


You may not be everybody's cup of tea but you might be somebody's glass of champagne.

Photo by Deleece Cook on Unsplash



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